How to Handle Your Child's Big Emotions When Yours Feel Bigger

My six-year-old was screaming about having to wear shoes, and I could feel my own emotional temperature rising fast. The irony wasn't lost on me—here I was, supposed to help her regulate her emotions while mine were spiraling out of control. In that moment, I realized that managing my own big emotions had to come first before I could effectively support hers.

Why Our Emotions Get So Big

When our children have meltdowns, it often triggers our own unprocessed emotions from childhood. Their dysregulation can activate our fight-or-flight response, especially if we experienced harsh reactions to our own big emotions growing up. Add in stress, exhaustion, and the pressure to "handle it perfectly," and it's no wonder we sometimes lose our cool.

The Airplane Oxygen Mask Principle

Just like on an airplane, we need to put on our own oxygen mask first. This might mean taking three deep breaths, stepping into the bathroom for a moment, or simply saying out loud, "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, and I need a minute to calm down so I can help you." Modeling emotional regulation teaches more than any lecture ever could.

Co-Regulation Before Self-Regulation

Children can't self-regulate until they learn to co-regulate with a calm adult. When both parent and child are dysregulated, the situation escalates quickly. By managing our own emotions first, we create the safety our child needs to begin calming down. Sometimes this means being honest: "Mommy is feeling big emotions too, but I'm here with you."

Learning to manage my own emotional responses has been one of the most challenging and rewarding parts of parenting. It's shown me that emotional regulation isn't about never feeling big emotions—it's about learning to feel them without being overwhelmed by them, and modeling that skill for our children.

Find more strategies for emotional balance in "Unexpected Gifts of Parenting"—your guide to growing alongside your children.