Why I Started Asking My Kids for Feedback on My Parenting

"How did that feel when I got frustrated about homework time?" I asked my eight-year-old after a particularly tense evening. The question felt vulnerable and strange—asking my child to evaluate my parenting felt like turning the natural order upside down. But her thoughtful response opened up a conversation that transformed how we handle conflict and showed me that children have wisdom about their own needs that I'd been missing.

Why Children's Perspectives Matter

Children are the recipients of our parenting decisions and strategies, yet we rarely ask them how those approaches feel or work for them. Their feedback can reveal blind spots, help us understand the impact of our actions, and guide us toward approaches that actually meet their needs rather than just our expectations or convenience.

How to Ask for Feedback Effectively

I learned to ask specific, non-defensive questions: "How did you feel when I reminded you about chores that way?" "What would help you remember your backpack better?" "When I get stressed about bedtime, what could I do differently?" The key was genuine curiosity rather than fishing for validation, and being prepared to hear answers that might be uncomfortable.

What I Learned From Their Honesty

My children's feedback was surprisingly thoughtful and helpful. They told me that my "hurry up" reminders made them feel anxious, that they preferred choices over commands, and that they needed transition warnings before switching activities. This information helped me adjust my approach in ways that reduced conflict and increased cooperation.

Building Collaborative Relationships

Asking for feedback shifted our family dynamic from authoritarian to collaborative. My children felt heard and valued, and I became more responsive to their actual needs rather than what I assumed they needed. This approach taught them that their voices matter and that healthy relationships involve mutual consideration and adjustment.

Teaching Them to Advocate for Themselves

When children learn that their feedback is valued and acted upon, they develop confidence in advocating for their needs in other relationships. They learn to communicate about what works and doesn't work for them, skills that will serve them throughout their lives in friendships, school, and future partnerships.

Asking children for feedback on our parenting isn't about giving them control over family decisions—it's about including their perspectives in creating family dynamics that work for everyone. Their insights can make us better parents and teach them that their voices matter in shaping the relationships that affect them most.

Discover more about collaborative parenting in "Unexpected Gifts of Parenting"—where children's voices become valuable guides for family growth.