Why I Stopped Saying 'Because I Said So' to My Kids

"Because I said so." Those four words rolled off my tongue so easily for years, a parenting shortcut I'd inherited from my own childhood. It wasn't until my seven-year-old looked at me with genuine confusion and hurt that I realized what I was really saying: "Your thoughts don't matter. Your understanding isn't important. Just comply."

The Moment Everything Changed

We were rushing to get ready for school when my daughter asked why she couldn't wear her favorite dress—the one with a small stain that I deemed "inappropriate." Instead of explaining my reasoning, I snapped, "Because I said so, that's why." The look on her face stopped me cold. She wasn't being defiant; she genuinely wanted to understand my perspective.

What "Because I Said So" Really Communicates

This phrase, while expedient, sends several harmful messages. It teaches children that authority should be respected without question, that their curiosity is burdensome, and that understanding the 'why' behind rules isn't important. It shuts down critical thinking and problem-solving skills we want our children to develop.

Better Alternatives That Actually Work

Now when my children question my decisions, I try these approaches: "Let me explain my reasoning..." or "That's a good question. Here's what I'm thinking..." or sometimes, "You know what? Let me reconsider this." Yes, it takes more time, but it builds trust, teaches reasoning skills, and shows respect for their developing minds.

When Explanations Aren't Practical

Sometimes immediate compliance is necessary for safety or time constraints. In these moments, I say, "Right now I need you to do this for safety reasons, and I'll explain more when we have time." This acknowledges their need for understanding while maintaining necessary boundaries.

Breaking this pattern wasn't easy—it required slowing down, examining my own childhood experiences, and choosing connection over control. But watching my children develop their own reasoning skills and maintaining trust in our relationship has been worth every extra minute of explanation.

Ready to transform your family communication? My book "Unexpected Gifts of Parenting" explores more ways to build connection while maintaining healthy boundaries.