Teaching Kids Emotional Intelligence When You're Still Learning It Yourself

My five-year-old was having a meltdown about his broken toy when I realized I had no idea how to help him process his emotions—mainly because I'd never learned to process my own. Growing up in a "don't cry" household, I was emotionally stunted, trying to guide my child through feelings I'd spent decades avoiding.

The Challenge of Teaching What We Weren't Taught

Many of us received messages like "big boys don't cry," "don't be so sensitive," or "there's nothing to be upset about." These well-meaning phrases taught us to suppress emotions rather than understand them. Now, as parents, we're tasked with helping our children develop emotional intelligence we never received ourselves.

Starting With Our Own Emotional Awareness

I began by learning to name my own emotions throughout the day. "I'm feeling frustrated because traffic is heavy." "I'm excited about our family plans." "I'm disappointed that my meeting was cancelled." Modeling emotional vocabulary helps children understand that all feelings are valid information about our internal experience.

Simple Strategies That Work for Both Parent and Child

We started using the "name it to tame it" approach—simply identifying emotions out loud reduces their intensity. I taught my children (and myself) that feelings are like weather: they come and go, and we can experience them without being overwhelmed by them. Deep breathing became our family's go-to tool for emotional regulation.

Learning Together Creates Connection

Instead of pretending I had all the answers, I became honest about my own emotional learning journey. "I'm feeling really angry right now, so I'm going to take some deep breaths" or "That hurt my feelings, and I need a moment to figure out how to respond." This transparency showed my children that emotional intelligence is a lifelong skill.

The beautiful truth is that we don't need to be emotionally perfect to raise emotionally healthy children. By learning alongside them, we're modeling that growth is possible at any age and that it's never too late to develop a healthier relationship with our feelings. Our children are often our greatest teachers in this journey.

Discover more ways to grow alongside your children in "Unexpected Gifts of Parenting"—where you'll find practical wisdom for navigating emotions as a family.